Now, let it be known that Bridezilla does not advocate the kind of violence that would actually result in bloodstained Blahniks. But purely as an art form, we have enjoyed a few films in which women break out of the traditional snap-your-heel-on-a-tree-branch victim role and go for some gutsy, gruesome glory of their own. If you are getting a permanent migraine from watching the wedding-movie marathons put together by your well-meaning bridal party, please enjoy this cathartic round-up of the When Sally Killed Harry variety.
5Volver.
Rife with knife-twists both real and figurative, this edgy, hotly suspenseful plot explodes out of a most prominent murder de la muchacha. With a narrative that shifts shapes as swiftly as one of the central characters, an ethereal ghost-mother Irene, Volver is one of the sexiest, most moving macabre films in recent history. And macabre it is. From the stage-setting graveyard scene where the all-female cast cheerfully sweeps out their future graves, to the vivid drama as the gorgeous Penolope Cruz grimly disposes of her no-good feller’s lifeless form, this smartly spooky movie keeps you mesmerized. This movie is part supernatural thriller, part homage to the intricate relationships of female family, and one part love letter to the lush, moody Madrid landscapes. With the shocking revelations coming all the way to the credits, this Spanish stab-em-up is good to the last plot twist. Bridezilla Verdict: Don’t mess with Mamacita!
4Gone with the Wind.
Needless to say, this epic story has many classic Bridezilla moments brought to us by the incorrigible Scarlett Ohara. From hurling vases, whirling around at balls in her mourning clothes, and fashioning couture out of curtains, Miss Scarlett-while not beautiful-is certainly a heap of bullheaded fun. But the murder scene in Gone with the Wind when Scarlett pointlbank shoots a Yankee thief actually reveals a second most unlikely Bridezilla, the formerly mousy and dull Melanie Wilkes. An unexpected accomplice, Melanie shows amazing body-disposing acumen post-pregancy and never bores us with crying fits or ethical qualms about the incident. The cool-headed twosome gets Bridezilla Bonus Points for corpse disposal in corsets-no easy feat! Bridezilla Verdict. Damn Yankees!
3Long Kiss Goodnight.
Our first two ladykillers were novices caught in unfortunate, isolated circumstances. Not so with our number three pick. In The Long Kiss Goodnight, the amazing-looking Geena Davis is a trained assassin put through hell by the most sinister baby daddy in known history. Unmoved by the revelation that he is the paternal father of Davis’ daughter (adios alimony), this psychotic killer locks the two ladies in a freezer to die of hypothermia. Cold! But Davis gets her comeuppance and then some, in one of the most elaborate, intense and gripping action scenes ever completed by a woman. In an added touch of Bridezilla brilliance, the generally bad-ass Samuel L. Jackson plays Davis’s bumbling accomplice whose life she saves on multiple occasions. Bridezilla Verdict: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.
2White Oleander.
An interesting blend of crime of passion and premeditation, this one makes the cut due to the intense symbolism and rich meaning within the murder method. With so much careful thought put in, you can tell Michelle Pfieffer’s character, writer Ingrid, is the kind who never forgets a birthday card or a recipe ingredient. In this elaborate murder, Pfieffer, a women scorned, forsakes the traditional bunny slippers and chocolate binge in favor of poisoning the one who passed her over with a toxic mix of white oleander flowers and arthritis drugs.
Creativity points, but couldn’t she just have keyed a hate sonnet onto his car or something? At any rate, this is one ladykiller who got the last word. Bridezilla Verdict: Homedude should have known better than to date a poet.
1Chicago.
Pop, Six, Squish, Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!No ladykiller round-up would be complete without those unrepentant jailbirds who make up everyone’s favorite murder musical (Sweeney Todd be damned). In prohibition era Chicago, doing away with one’s lover and getting your name in the headlines constitutes killing two birds with one stone-emphasis on killing. The fun begins as the unrepentant inmates of the women’s prison do a continuous cell block tango in an attempt to become America’s Favorite Murderess. From Roxy Hart’s “nobody walks out on me” parting shot to Velma Kelly’s double homicide of her husband and sister en flagrante, we do enjoy this foray into jail bait jazz and the corrupt justice system of the era. Bridezilla Verdict: “He Had It Coming!”
