Sick of your lazy, complaining-about-their-dresses, too-good-to-lift-a-manicured-finger bridesmaids? Then hire ninjas! A martial arts expert tells bridezilla why ninjas make the best bridesmaids (as long as they don’t turn on you).
Bridezilla’s Guide to Black-Belt Bridesmaids
If you’re currently struggling with your gaggle of bridesmaids, arguing over dress colors and styles, who’s doing what, and why no one is answering your texts, I have the answer for you.
Or, if you haven’t even selected your bridesmaids and are dreading it because you know that the above is inevitable and are leaning towards simply hiring attendants or going sans bridal party, than this post is for you!
The answer to both scenarios: Hire ninjas.
No wait! Hear me out.
First off, consider what a ninja is: silent, confidential, follows directions, great anticipator, slim, looks great in black and asks no questions.
If you already have a group of unruly bridesmaids, add one ninja with orders to take out the lead instigator. Then the ninja will simply lead by example. When no one can figure out what has happened to “Suzie,” assuredly the rest will fall in line. If not, you’re going to need to give the ninja another directive and see what your 2nd cousin is doing the 3rd Saturday in July. Or hire another ninja.
You may end up with an entirely hired bridal party, but think of the headaches and time saved! The stress relieved and saving even more by not having to hire security!
You give the order for everyone to wear tea-length gowns in neon pink with ruffles? Done. You give the order for 200 silk organza bags to be stuffed with 10 jordan almonds and tied with a pink bow? Done. Need to lighten the budget by not paying the caterer’s cake cutting fee? No problem.
Yes, there are a couple of holes in this plan. Ninjas are typically male and we’re not in feudal Japan. Technically there aren’t any ninjas in modern Japan either, but since they’re ninjas and into secrecy and covert operations, how would we know? But I have a workaround.
The modern day solution: Hire your bridesmaids from local martial arts schools. You’ll be able to find ladies, ladies who know how to take orders, follow directions and for any question or request from a higher ranking person (in this case the bride) it will be answered with a resounding “HAI!” They are also disciplined, loyal, physically fit and able to act as security and remove unruly/drunken guests discreetly.
And… they won’t need Spanx.
But you can’t just grab any woman out of any martial art! Just like you would interview a job applicant, you should screen your potential bridesmaids.
What to look for:
- A blackbelt of first degree or more– No newbies. Get yourself a seasoned veteran.
- Nail polish on the toes– Since most martial arts are barefoot, this should be pretty easy to spot. A female martial arts practitioner with colorful toe nails is girly girl at heart and would be amenable to hair, makeup and manicures on the big day.
- Ability to blend in– Does she have a different colored uniform than the rest? Attached Hello Kitty stickers to her belt? Stay away. Bridesmaids are supposed to blend with each other and provide a backdrop for the bride to stand out in.
- Weapon of choice– Whether she chooses bare hands like karate or judo or goes with swords like kendo, be diverse. You’ll have a laundry list of duties to be fulfilled and having someone who’s good with their hands, good at tossing and grabbing and good with cutlery is always a plus.
- Go to a legitimate martial arts dojo– No Nerf, Styrofoam or home constructed items allowed. If they practice in a public park on a grassy knoll, walk away. Far away.
- Check their practice schedule- You’ll have to set your dates around their practices, so make sure that all the ladies are on a similar schedule. Then set up your meetings at the same time of day on a different day and you’ll maximize their abilities both mentally and physically.
OK, you should be pretty convinced now. What happens next?
Once you find yourself with acceptable candidates, offer them a small base fee and food. Martial arts ladies eat. They burn a lot of calories with all that kicking and hitting, so as long as they’re fed, they’ll keep on kicking and hitting right on through stuffing invitations, creating centerpieces and watching you try on 200 dresses.
Soon you’ll have your very own small dojo with dedicated students to your wedding and a team you can be proud of!
And you thought I wouldn’t be able to convince you that ninjas would make good bridesmaids.
That is hilraious